With trembling hands and a reeling mind, Carla struggled to guide her apartment key into the deadbolt. Her handbag slipped off her shoulder, its contents spilling onto the floor of the dimly lit hallway. Fumbling, she hastily crammed her belongings back into her bag and dragged herself through the door, collapsed on the carpet, and burst into tears.

Unwanted visual images flooded her mind: the unexpected embrace from her pastor, her shock and struggle to tell the appropriate people, the investigations, the cruel denials and accusations from the pastor and his family, suspicions from her friends at church, and, finally, his resignation.

“It’s over,” she told herself. “This is behind me now.” But she knew it was a lie.

The Victim of a Leader’s Sexual Advances

Victims like Carla have not willingly encouraged sexual advances from their spiritual leaders, yet they find themselves facing a flood of undesirable experiences that can only be touched upon in  an article such as this. While this article uses “she” to describe the victim, I also recognize the abuse of children, men, the elderly, and disabled people, with many of my observations also applying to them.

My intention is to identify five categories of victims, many of whom are typically overlooked in the aftermath. While the subject seems too difficult to address in a brief article, we need to start somewhere, helping the Body of Christ understand some common experiences and reactions to the devastation of betrayal.

Shock. “This isn’t supposed to happen! How could I be so blind? so stupid?”

Fear. “What will happen to me now? Is it my fault? What should I do? What will my husband and family say? How can I hold up my head in the church now? Who can I trust to help me?”

Anger. “Where are Christians when I need them? Where is God when I need Him? I’ll never let anyone hurt me like that again!” If the offense becomes known and the church reacts insensitively, she is hurt yet again.

Betrayal. “How could the pastor do this to me and my family, and to his church? How could my friends turn away when I need their support and counsel?” She may hide because she is ashamed and distraught.

Confusion. If the moral failure is not explicit, she may doubt herself and her perceptions of impropriety. She may malign herself for suspecting him, or she may become skeptical and cold. If the pastor has explicitly approached her, she may react with thoughts such as, “How could God let this happen? Maybe I have been a fool to trust God all these years, just as I have been foolish to trust my pa tor.” She may blame herself, especially if the pastor is blaming, threatening, or intimidating her into silence. But she will feel inner conflict at the moral contradictions she is experiencing.

Isolation, abandonment, and loneliness. If the victim accepts blame for the pastor’s sin, she may withdraw to protect herself. Her very personhood has been compromised. She may wonder if she should talk to someone, though she recoils at the thought. To whom should she go, and what should she say? If the pastor’s sin is made known, what harm will come to her family and to her church? What do respect and submission to authority look like when her pastor is acting wickedly?

Humiliation, shame. She may feel crushing guilt and deep humiliation for falling victim to someone she thought she could trust. The abuser often tells his victim that she is a seducer and is therefore at fault. She feels deeply shamed, powerless, having been robbed of her honor, dignity, well-being, and sense of security. What should she tell her family, people in the church, those outside the church? How should she answer those who ask her why she didn’t tell, or those who criticize her for telling?

Helplessness/vulnerability. She may have felt powerless to prevent the sin, the shame, and the consequences. She suffers in secret, with nowhere to turn. Hopeless, she may give up in despair, feeling abandoned even by God. Once the word is out, she feels helpless to stop the damage to her family and church.

Challenges to her faith. She may find herself conflicted when her character and involvement are questioned. Besides her confusion about the character of God, she may find herself tempted to abandon her faith altogether, because of insensitive and ungodly responses (or lack of responses) from the Christian community. Even if the Christian community is kind and helpful, she may resent having to look happy and well-adjusted when her world is falling apart.

Confusion about her role. How can she remain in the church? How should she help her husband and family when she is struggling as a victim? To whom should she turn for help?

Dragging up the past. If she has had childhood family problems (such as parental divorce, sexual abuse, or problems with her father), she may find past memories disturbing her and affecting her reasoning abilities, faith, or wisdom.

The Victim’s Parents, Family, and Husband

The victim’s husband and children may experience emotional turmoil similar to hers. He may be angry with his wife for failing to tell him what happened, or for waiting too long to tell him. If the husband does not believe that his wife is a victim, the integrity of the marriage will be seriously jeopardized. If he believes that his wife has been victimized, the husband will probably feel I tense anger toward the pastor and the church, especially if his wife’s reputation and suffering are minimized, neglected, or denied after discovery of the pastor’s sin. The husband’s faith in God will probably be challenged. He may feel that his masculinity has been attacked, and that he is a failure because he did not protect his wife.

Depending upon their ages and spiritual maturity, the victim’s children may be especially susceptible to disbelief of the offense, fear of powerful authorities, and anger at the pastor and the church. They will probably have doubts about God, and may become angry at Him. They may despise their mother as weak and ineffective, and may despise their father for failing to protect their mother. They may secretly or outwardly rebel or practice vengeance on their family and their church. They may turn to friends. Depending upon the character of their friends, this turn could be devastating.

The parent of a child victim typically feels shock and outrage in multidirectional ways—toward the offending pastor and his staff, the church, and other families who failed to protect their child. A Christian parent may redirect blame inwardly, perhaps believing that all anger is sinful and should never be outwardly expressed. Such anger often comes out in the private setting of the home, causing further devastation among family members and smothering their faith in God. Parents often think that their expressions of love and their pursuit of justice will secure their child’s well-being. However, they may fail to see the importance of explaining the process of justice, answering doubts, and teaching the child how to think Biblically about the experience and their role in it. Biblical counseling for parent and child is often advisable.

The Perpetrator’s Wife

Generally, when a Christian leader’s sin becomes known (especially publicly), his wife and family will fit the description of the “fainthearted” or “weak” in 1 Thessalonians 5:14. Depending upon the extent of the offense and her own spiritual maturity, the wife of a perpetrator may feel the following.

Shock. “This isn’t supposed to happen to pastors! How can this be happening to faithful people like us? I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming!”

Fear. “What will happen to us now? Our reputation is ruined; how will we ever hold up our heads in public again? What about those to whom we have been ministering? Won’t their faith be destroyed now? And what about finances? My husband has no other job skills, and neither do I. How will we manage? What will happen to the children?”

Anger. “Why isn’t the church coming alongside to help us, when we have been there countless times for them? What a hypocrite my husband is! How could he do this?” She feels like her whole world is falling apart. Life seems unfair. She probably runs his faults through her mind and chastises he self for not standing up for herself and her family. It is tempting to express anger too freely, causing the children to become double victims of their mother’s anger as well as suffering because their dad has sinned. If the church reacts insensitively, they are hurt yet again. The children frequently learn from their mother’s example to respond angrily themselves.

Betrayal. “How could he do this to us, and to his church? I’ve always been faithful to him; how could he treat me this way? How could my friends turn away when I need their support and counsel?” She may hide because she is embarrassed and distraught. The idea of continuing to have sex with him may be repulsive to her.

Confusion. “How could God let this happen? Maybe I have been a fool to trust God all these years, just as I have been foolish to trust my husband.” Knowing that she is imperfect, she may remember times  when she did not fulfill her role well and wrongly blames herself for her husband’s sin. If he angrily accuses her of driving him to another woman (or to porn), her confusion and shame may keep her silent, reluctant to confront his sin, which only exacerbates the problem. She may question her own identity: now that she knows he is not the person she thought he was, she wonders who she is.

Isolation, abandonment, and loneliness. If she suspects or secretly knows her husband is sexually unfaithful, she probably feels that it would be wrong to say anything. She may think that to confront him would be nonsubmissive or disrespectful. If his sin is made known, how much should she cooperate withthose who seek to confront her husband? What do respect and submission look like when her husband is acting wickedly?

Humiliation, shame. She may feel shame for their flawed marriage and her own sins, and she may blame herself. Has their marriage meant nothing to him? She may feel like a fake for failing to say something about her suspicions. Perhaps she tries to reason with him, but he twists her words to make her the villain. The blot on her family name brings crushing shame, especially if she knew what was going on but remained silent. What to say to people in the church? outside the church? What to do when people turn their backs? How to answer those who ask her why she didn’t know or didn’t tell? How to answer God for failing to confront her husband?

Helplessness, vulnerability. She may have felt helpless to prevent the sin, the shame, and the consequences. She suffers in secret, with nowhere to turn. Once the word is out, she feels helpless to stop the damage to her family and her church. She can’t make people understand her perspective or her struggle. She can’t make her husband change. What should she do to exhort him, to protect her family, her church, and herself?

Challenges to her faith. Besides her confusion about the character of God, she may find herself tempted to abandon her faith altogether, because of insensitive and ungodly responses from the Christian community. Even if the Christian community is kind and helpful, she may resent having to look happy and well-adjusted when her world is falling apart.

Confusion about her role. How can she follow her husband now? What might that look like? How should she help her husband? To whom should she turn for help? Should she leave her husband or somehow hold him accountable?

Dragging up the past. If she has had childhood family problems (such as parental divorce, sexual abuse, or problems with her father), she may find past memories disturbing her and affecting her reasoning abilities, faith, or wisdom.

The Perpetrator’s Children

Depending on their ages and spiritual maturity, the children will struggle with many of the same feelings and questions that their mother does. They may be especially susceptible to disbelief at the offense, fear of the future, anger at their father, anger or doubts about God, and resentment toward the church.

They may rebel or practice vengeance on their family and their church, turning to friends. Depending on the character of their friends, this turn could be devastating.

Some children may use their father’s sin as license to practice sexual sin or to indulge anger, and then to shift blame. They may despise their mother as weak and ineffective. The children may see their father’s moral failure as a family trait, believing that their genetic makeup will inevitably lead them into sexual sin: “If Dad couldn’t resist, how can I?” or “If Dad can get away with it, why not me?”

The Victim’s Local Church

The church will feel a pervasive sense of loss. When the pastor has lost his moral blamelessness, he is no longer above reproach, and that can’t be fixed.

Women and children in the church will find it difficult to flourish spiritually when they do not believe that they are safe, protected, and respected by those in leadership. Men will typically be on their guard now: Are their wives and children safe here? Expect anger, confusion, fear, and turmoil.

People who have been truly helped by the pastor in his better days of ministry may be deeply hurt by his immorality. But they may also become disillusioned by the church’s response to the pastor, even if that response is Biblical. Their shock and sorrow may lead them to lose faith and become bitter against the church.

How Godly Women Can Help Victims

How can godly women within the church help its pastor and deacons to understand and help victimized women?

The value of discipleship ministry in the local church is crystallized here. Ideally, when a pastoral staff has intentionally trained their people to provide Biblical discipleship, godly men and women will be discerning the spiritual pulse of individual members and addressing concerns as they arise. This foundation allows for women to be invaluable resources to male leaders during periods of crisis, including a case of victimization.

An active spirit of discipleship in the church is valuable for many reasons, but especially when the victim is already communicating and building trust with a godly older woman. But even if they have not met before, a godly woman may help a victim because

• she thinks like a woman (need I explain?);

• she probably already understands the responsibilities and daily challenges of a woman who runs a home and possibly holds an outside job as well;

• she may anticipate practical needs as well as spiritual struggles;

• she may be able to calm and comfort the victim emotionally; and

• if she has experienced sexual abuse or harassment, she can also closely identify with the victim’s pain and help her to think Biblically about it.

As an advocate, a godly woman can also help the victim

• to voice her story well;

• by supporting her efforts as she talks to church authorities (which can be very intimidating);

• by providing a safe harbor and exhortation as the victim describes her experiences; and

• by suggesting and facilitating ways for the church to offer meaningful assistance to the victim and her family.

Every church needs members who are gifted and trained to serve as the victim’s advocate, a role that can be understood by studying Romans 12 and 13 (see sidebar). After a congregation commits to greater understanding and ministry for the victims in their own congregation, they need to devote much prayer and study to the question of how to minister Biblically. I’ll address this in part two, to be published in the July/August Baptist Bulletin.

How Churches Contribute to the Problem

To correct problems and avoid future offenses, wise church leaders will seriously consider how the church may have contributed to its leader’s moral failure. In doing so, they should acknowledge that the church cannot be blamed entirely. They should also be careful not to set up scapegoats or to cast harsh public accusations. Remembering that the church family is reeling from this crisis, the remaining leaders should be gentle and timely as they realistically address their church’s failures.

1. Failure to act Biblically in prevention.

  • Failing to do background checks before hiring staff.
  • Failing to set up appropriate safeguards for church staff and children.
  • Turning a blind eye to warning signs that all is not well with church leaders. Warning signs may include suspicious behavior, inappropriate emotional expressions, habitual dishonesty, financial irresponsibility, manipulation, passive aggression, intimidation, viewing pornography, narcissism, and resistance to policies or boundaries.
  • Failing to monitor the church’s finances. Many cases of ministry sexual abuse also involve a leader’s misuse of funds.

2. Failure to act Biblically regarding offenses or allegations.

  • Minimizing or failing to confront known sin or reasonably suspected sin.
  •  Failure to Biblically address inappropriate flirting and sexually promiscuous living in the church.
  • Immodest attire and coarse conversation among church members (Ephesians 5:3–5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7).
  • Gossip, rather than Biblical confrontation in love.
  • Lack of accountability and forgiveness toward offenders.
  • Lack of compassion and grace toward victims and their families.
  • Failure to exercise Biblical church discipline and restoration (Matthew 18:15–17).

3. Failure to act Biblically regarding law enforcement’s authority to investigate crimes.

  • Ignorance and neglect of federal and state laws regarding abuse.
  • Failure to consider that some sin is also a violation of criminal law, or failure to understand and respect law enforcement’s role as a God-ordained authority (Romans 13:1–5).
  • Covering up potential crimes or obstructing criminal investigations to preserve institutional prosperity (Proverbs 28:13; 12:1).
  • Misapplying the Bible’s prohibition against civil suits (1 Corinthians 6) among believers, wrongly applying the principle to include criminal action.

4. Failure to preserve local church authority over parachurch ministry partners.

Understanding the Advocate’s Role from Romans 12 and 13

These points from Romans 12 and 13 help the advocate understand his or her role and may serve as instruction for the victim as well.

  • 12:1, 2  Serve God in body and mind
  • 12:3  Don’t have a self-righteous attitude
  • 12:4–8  Use your spiritual gifts
  • 12:9  Hate evil and cling to good
  • 12:10  Honor one another
  • 12:11  Be diligent for Christ
  • 12:12  Exercise hope, patience, prayer
  • 12:13  Meet needs hospitably
  • 12:14  Bless those who curse you
  • 12:15  Empathize
  • 12:16  Cultivate humility
  • 12:17  Don’t repay evil with evil
  • 12:18–20  Be a peacemaker
  • 12:21  Overcome evil with good
  • 13:1–5  Cooperate with the law

Sue Nicewander (MA, Central Baptist Theological Seminary) is executive director of Biblical Counseling Ministries, Inc., based at Calvary Baptist Church, Wisconsin Rapids, Wis., and a member of Berea Baptist Church, Stevens Point, Wis. She is the author of Building a Church Counseling Ministry without Killing the Pastor; Help! I Feel Ashamed; and online resources at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation.

“Betrayal, Fear, and Faith” is a three-part article. Read part 2 (July/August 2013), which discusses the church’s response to victims of sexual sin. Part 3 (September/October 2013), suggests practical steps for churches to minister to victims in their congregations.