Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). Henry Wheeler Shaw added a twist to this proverb: “Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go—travel that wa yourself.” The spelling may be atrocious, but the insight is accurate. Parents who train by example are wise.

An interview with a well-respected couple who have two adult children provides insight for parents who are still in the process of training their children in the way they should go—and traveling that way themselves.

Meet the Johnsons

Dean is on the faculty of Lakeland Christian Schools and does freelance design for a group of missionary builders. At church, Heritage Baptist in Lakeland, he has worked with youth, is a deacon, and teaches an adult Sunday School class.

Jill sold real estate for fifteen years and now works at a consignment store. At Heritage she has worked primarily with the youth group (twenty-six years) but recently switched to ministering with the college and career group.

The Johnsons’ son, Ben, graduated from Cedarville University with a degree in athletic training. He recently taught the elementary computer lab at Lakeland Christian School, where he was also the athletic trainer. He and his wife, Sandy, work with the youth group at Heritage.

Dean and Jill’s daughter, Bethany, also graduated from Cedarville. She holds a degree in business administration and will start work ona masters degree at Liberty University this fall. She serves the Lord at Heritage by singing on the church’s worship team.

I had the opportunity of interviewing Dean and Jill and, later, Ben and Bethany.

How did you keep the Word of God fresh to your children when they were hearing it over and over again?

Jill: You can’t hear it too much. The key is—it doesn’t matter how much your children hear it; when God’s ready for them to accept it, they’re going to hear it and believe it. I think it’s a matter of not shoving it down their throats. It’s more a matter of keeping it fresh by letting them be excited. Be excited when they come home and say, “Oh, I learned a new verse,” and see it through their eyes instead of how we adults always look at it.

Bethany: I always wanted to learn more about God because my parents knew so much, and they were smart and leading a good life and I wanted the same for mine.

Dean: I never sensed that boredom with our kids. Maybe their Sunday School teachers at church would tell you that they sat there with their arms crossed, but that would surprise me. They’ve always been attentive.

Jill: A lot of that is their person­alities. . . . I think it’s important to keep the teaching of God’s Word fresh, keep it exciting, not the same thing every time. Do different things.

Parents serving

How did you keep your children from resenting your time serving the Lord?

Jill: Again, I never felt any resentment. I also think we spent a lot of time with them, with their activities also.

Dean: One thing Jill and I talked about early in our marriage is that talented people in churches get asked to do more things because they’re already successful. Early in our marriage, we realized that to say no is not wrong. You take your gifts and talents where you’re blessed in ministry and use those. And if somebody asks you outside those boundaries, you say no.

Jill: You find the things you like and enjoy, and those are the areas you minister in.

What did your children do when you were busy with church-related activities?

Jill: Early on, when they were very young, it was a concern of mine because when we moved here we had no family, no free babysitters. I remember one day just praying and saying, “Lord, I work with teenagers and it involves a lot of time. There’s got to be some help here somewhere.” I didn’t want my kids to suffer. . . . I didn’t want them to hate ministry and church stuff. Not long after that, a couple from the church, the Starners, came up to me and said, “Our grandchildren live out of state, and Ben and Bethany’s grandparents live out of state. We want to be their Florida grandparents.” They were wonderful. They took the kids every time we had a deacons meeting. Then she’d say, “Oh, you have a youth activity. Let me take Ben and Bethany for the weekend.”

Later I had good babysitters that I used a lot, because I did not take my children to youth activities—mainly because I didn’t want them to be so used to that ministry that then when they got to high school, it wasn’t fresh. Even when they were in junior high, I never let them go to high school activities. I’m still a strong believer in that principle. I think kids can get so used to it that it’s never special. . . . I didn’t want it to become old hat to my children.

How did you teach your children to respect church leaders and the church property itself?

Jill: I think that comes from watching. If you respect leaders, then your children learn by seeing.

Dean: Teach them to respect authority. And then when they’re older, talk about stewardship.

Children serving

Because you were enjoying what you were doing, your kids saw your joy in ministry. The ministry was a joy, not something done out of the feeling of, “Oh, I’ve got to do this.”

Dean: I think that’s the key. If they saw our joy in what we did, there’d be nothing to resent.

Bethany: I loved going to church or spending time at church. My parents were always very much involved. But that was okay because so were all my friends’ parents, which meant that we could all play together when our parents were working within the church.

Ben: I don’t think my parents did anything specific to keep us from resenting their time serving the Lord. It was never an issue. When someone is serving the Lord truly from their heart and not out of perceived obligation, it is contagious. We, as children, were able to see the joy our parents had through their service, and that rubbed off on us.

You opened your home to many people over the years. How did you help your children not resent the changes that having guests made to your family life, their privacy, etc.?

Jill: Neither one of them had a hard time, because that’s all they ever knew. We had people living here when they were little. . . . I never, ever felt like they resented it at all. If we didn’t have somebody, they were always offering, “Oh, come stay with us.”

Dean: Both Jill and I grew up in homes that were just like our home is now—with a lot of activity, having people in, having a missionary in and hearing about their field and enjoying the differences of a different culture, different person. Jill and I both grew up with that openness, so we wanted to make it part of our home.

How did you teach your children to make Christian service their own?

Jill: Bethany—it was not a problem, because she just loved to serve. She just loved to minister, and she was involved in everything that she could be because that’s just her personality. Ben—I remember literally having to force him to do some type of ministry the first year that I thought it was time for him to go out on his own and do some ministry. I practically physically dragged him kicking and screaming to Camp Gilead to work with Scott Hirdes.

I chose camp because, one, I love camp. And it was away from church, and I thought that with Ben’s particular personality that would be a good thing. Ben loved the water; he liked that kind of stuff. And I also knew that I could be there if he needed me.

Dean: I know that at Cedarville, Ben was in Big Bird, Big Brothers. He had some leadership and took some opportunities there. When I talked to him on the phone, he talked in glowing terms of what they did. He did work that was similar to the community-service work we did at Lakeland Christian School with our Workathons. So I knew that Ben related to that. He would tell me, “I remember when you and I went out and did this, Dad, and we just did the same thing for a lady here who’s really poor.” So there was a sense of reward, personal reward, for having served somebody. I think that also fostered what we hoped would happen.

He loved to go with me. . . . We’d do plumbing. I’d teach him plumbing, so he could come home and show Jill something he learned that day while we were out working.

He helped Geoff and Abigail Stabler roof their house. (I had taught him how to roof.) He was standing on the roof and looking down at the ground, laughing. He said, “I guess you taught me how to do this.” He had joy in serving others. He found satisfaction in being able to help somebody. That was fun to see.

Ben: Christian service was something that was taught all throughout Sunday School and Wednesday night church. It was something that we did as a huddle group or as a youth group. I never viewed it as an extension of my parents’ own service.

Bethany: The more I saw my parents invest into the church and into others’ lives, the more I wanted to get involved. My parents always encouraged me to get involved with various Christian services, but I always wanted to because it was my way of showing God that I loved Him and wanted to serve Him.

What do you think were the top two or three influences that helped your children want to serve the Lord in their local church?

Ben: I think that the better question here would be, Who, not what, were the top influences. The top influences in my life would be both of my parents and a friend of our family, Rev. Scott Hirdes. Through them I was introduced to Camp Gilead in 1996, and I have been working out there almost every summer since then. It was their passion for serving the Lord that sparked and kindled my own.

Dean: I think it was an outflow of what Ben and Bethany had seen us do and also what they’d begun to practice in their teen years. Youth pastors and friends they saw who were involved in ministry. And seeing others who wanted to serve along with them—their best friends wanting to do that.

Jill: Scott Hirdes and Pastor Evans. Definitely. Influential people who enjoyed ministry and poured into our children’s lives.

Bethany: The top influence that helped me want to serve the Lord in church was my parents. They always taught us growing up that our church is the Body of Christ and we are to fellowship together and to serve the Lord with one another. Another influence was our youth pastor, Roger Evans. He was always very helpful in making ways available for us to serve the Lord.

What mistake do you see parents making today that could lead to their children being burned out on church and Christian service?

Jill: Well, I don’t think you should force them into service—service that you like. I think every child and every person is different. What Dean likes to do serving is completely different than what I am. That’s where he’s been great, because he lets me go in the areas I like. . . . What I like and what he likes are two different things. I think your children are the same way too. What Bethany likes and what Ben likes are different. . . . It’s about knowing your children and knowing their strong points and their weaknesses, and directing them into areas that they like.

Back to the beginning like we said, Where’s your joy? Where’s your joy in serving? Find those areas and let your children go in their way.

Dean: [Burnout happens] because service and attending church didn’t become their own. If they don’t go as young adults, it’s because they don’t enjoy going.

Jill: It’s a fine line. Some adult children just have to go through that, but they come back. But I think people panic: “Oh, they’re not serving the Lord!” Sometimes parents just need to step back and let them. You also need to guide them.

It’s a commitment, and you want your kids to serve. If they see your joy—I think it’s all about joy. If they observe, Hey, these people are happy doing this, they’ll think, I can be happy too.

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Jonita Barram is an assistant editor of the Baptist Bulletin.